November 2010
187 posts
1 tag
I'm an aspiring writer and have written a bunch of...
Mazel tov! Just keep writing and writing and writing. Good writers gave me this advice and I mostly ignored it out of laziness, and also because writing takes a LOT out of us emotionally sometimes! Just keep writing and writing though. Those writers were correct. Oh! and do physical things to keep your physical form healthy and happy. You can’t stay inside your head all day. Plus, write a...
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Re: Craigslist: Yeah, I didn't go through with it....
Reveal it only if she asks directly about whether you’ve put the P in the V. Or if you really want to reveal it. Honestly, it’s no one else’s business unless she wants to know your sexual history for health purposes (and even then you do not owe her details. I’d say if you get into a relationship, the ability to tell her will come with trust and time. And if she asks you to...
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SARA! I have an interview in an hour and am SUPER...
Congratulations! You’ve already got the interview, which is most of the work, believe it or not. Take deep, steady, slow breaths. Remind yourself that the world does not depend on how well you do in this interview. Go in there determined to be a politer, better-groomed version of yourself :) Your nervousness indicates to me that you are excited about the potential job and that you’d be...
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I'm a virgin and I turned 20 a few weeks ago. I...
Do NOT hump somebody off Craigslist. You could end up robbed, raped, or murdered. Craigslist sex = death. You’re only 20. I’ve talked to men who were older than you when they lost their V-card. Focus on being kind to girls/guys to whom you are attracted. Form relationships. Experiment. STUDY (I like “The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex” and Babeland’s...
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I'm a gay guy. My boyfriend is great, but I have...
I think you’re ignoring the fact that the two of you have one very big, important thing in common: your boyfriend. Nothing creates bonding like making fun of a mutual friend. Also, in the interest of outreach, you might try to find out about two things the BFF is into and ask him genuine, sincere questions about those things. I’ve been in the BFF’s situation and in yours, and I...
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So, if you were put in charge of planning an 8- or...
I’m going to reveal something pretty dark and disturbing here. I’ve never seen a Chevy Chase movie in its entirety. Ever. I know, right?
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Sara this site is awesome. I'm a big fan of the...
Thanks! I support your splendiforous pussgina.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Sara have you ever experienced same sex since your...
I wouldn’t call it a passing phase necessarily. It’s something I enjoyed and would likely enjoy again, but I’m pretty dude-oriented when it comes to matters of love. 65% straight, 35% geigh. Sometimes it’s a 75/25 thing. I don’t feel I can really represent myself as bisexual because it’s not a 50/50 split.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make...
COME TO THIS TONIGHT!
The work day is almost over. You really need to blow off some steam tonight. How about a hearty helping of true family tales from hilarious comedians? That sounds pretty great to me! Family Hour with Auntie Sara 222 Avenue B at Luca Lounge 8 PM
Hosted by Auntie Sara Benincasa
Sara Schaefer (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon)
Brooke Van Poppelen (TruTV, Moonwork)
Harry Terjanian (MTV; finalist,...
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Have you ever thought about having kids? And if...
Yes, I have thought about this. I do not want to push them out of my ladyflower and ruin it forever (sorry moms) sooooooo I want to adopt. But I just got tipsy and watched “Orphan” the other night, and now I’m afraid I’ll adopt a psychotic old lady little person from Eastern Europe who will try to fuck my husband, and then stab him to death. xoxo Sara
Well, who...
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Have you ever worked in Canada? Any plans to come?...
I haven’t performed in Canada yet, but I would LURVE to. If you have connections with any schools or venues that might be good for moi, email info@sarabenincasa.com. Thanks!
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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(from last email, sorry for writing 2), Lately, i...
Who cares about being right? What do you win for being correct that some chick isn’t into you? Also, the “I don’t think you’ll write back” thing is so fucking annoying. Don’t be a sad sack; man up and accept it if she doesn’t respond to a couple of overtures for contact. Don’t try to guilt-trip her with a whiny, poor-me intro.
You’re coming...
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I moved to a new city where I can't afford to buy...
This market sucks ass. Why not continue to gain income from the investment you’ve already made? If the rent you charge is equal to the rent you pay, you’re breaking even. If you charge higher rent than you’re paying, you make a profit. Awesometown! Also worth noting: you can put it on the market while renting to friends. But it might be wiser to wait ‘til you’ve got a...
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I'm sick, and hungry, and I don't have any food in...
You have the Internet. Order online.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Will I ever meet a girl who thinks astrology is as...
Undoubtedly. But the question is, will she be hot? The answer is “Probably not.” — Sara
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Hey, this is the guy with a facebook account and...
Yup.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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When I go to Las Vegas there's a tradition I...
Honestly, you guys both sound awesome and fun. You made the right choice. — Sara
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Hi Sara and the rest... Who would you say was our...
Theodore Roosevelt wasn’t a real looker. — Sara’s dad
Oh, Teddy was cute. There’s other guys…Pierce and all these other guys. — Sara’s mom
Oh, Richard Nixon. — Sara’s dad
Tricky Dick. He always looked sneaky. — Sara’s mom
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake...
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I'm moving to LA to be a standup comic. Working...
Don’t move to L.A. to become something. Move to L.A. to elevate, refine, and improve what you already are. You should already BE a stand-up comedian/actress/dancer/writer in your own hometown, because you love it and you’re passionate about it and it brings you joy. Then, if necessary, move to L.A. or Chicago or New York or wherever to be near the job and training opportunities.
As...
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Sara, we are facebook friends, I'm attracted to...
Dude, she has over 5,000 Facebook friends, and I’m pretty sure she’s fucked all of them. Of course she’ll do this.
— Steve, Sara’s brother
My brother has a point, in the way that insane people have a point when they babble that the aliens are finally coming. In reality, I’ve fucked very few of my Facebook friends. Be good to your long-term girlfriend and keep...
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I've been having dreams involving humanoid turtles...
Oh, we specialize in dream analysis, and you’re the first person to ask! This rules. Thank you for your question. Okay. Turtles are from the ocean, sometimes. Other times they are from the river or the pond. Regardless, they like water. Do you like water? You probably need to be around more of it. Maybe you need to go into hiding, like a turtle, just for a little while, and hang out near the...
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Are those real?
Real is a subjective term. — Sara’s little brother, Steve
Um, fucking DUH. This backache I’ve had since I was 16 is also real. — Sara
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Why are only European girls socialist?
Cause they the only ones who been raised like that, son. — Sara
Uh, Cuba? — Steve, Sara’s little brother
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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What is the best way to dress for an audition?
Dress to show off your best assets. You’re a dude, so I’m thinking you’ll want to wear something that matches or highlights your eyes or your hair. Wear something clean and unwrinkled and comfortable, so that you can breathe and move around. Unless you get specific instructions for what to wear, I’d go with whatever you’d wear on a first date to a mid-range...
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Been seeing someone for six years - is it time to...
Well, do you want to get married? If the answer is “yes,” you ought to bring it up. If the answer is “Eh, I dunno” or “No” then there’s no reason to discuss it. Don’t feel you must get married just to satisfy other people. If you’re happy, you’re happy. Be honest with yourself, too, about whether you actually want a marriage or just yearn...
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What was the best advice you've ever received?
“This too shall pass.” — my grandma (I guess quoting The Bible, maybe?)
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
1 tag
If you could only listen to one song for the next...
That Kanye West song that goes “All of the lights/all of the lights.” — Steve, Sara’s bro
I would say Ke$ha’s “We Are Who We Are.” — Ryan, Sara’s brother Steve’s BFF
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Who's the most overrated actor?
Robert Pattinson. Not that he’s very highly rated. — Sara
Charlie Sheen. — Sara’s brother Steve (“Except for Hot Shots. That was so cool.”)
Jim Carrey — Sara’s brother Steve’s BFF Ryan.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Y'all rule. I am telling my friends! You should...
No problem, young sister/brother. — Sara
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
1 tag
Im the budget quest chica. my hubby only gives me...
He sounds way controlling and it sounds freaky. You need some serious help in this relationship. If he’s drinking a lot, this is a big fucking problem. I highly recommend counseling. You need to put your foot down. I know you’re pregnant and this is very tough, but you need to have the best possible situation for you and your child. Write out a more reasonable budget and present it to...
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This is awe
This is shock.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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I'm having trouble writing something funny lately....
You’re just in a slump. We all go through it. Write through your slump, and/or pick up a new hobby like karate, yoga, something physical that doesn’t use the writing portion of your brain. — Sara
You need to spend one night smoking a little bit of pot, just a little bit, sitting alone and thinking about shit. The following night, you need to get in a roomful of people you think...
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Is $400 a month a substantial amount of mula for...
Fuck no, that’s not enough money. $100 a week? No fucking way. I’mma suggest taking out a loan with low interest if at all possible. Government assistance if you qualify. Help from family as a gift, not a loan, if possible. — Sara
How far do you have to drive? Do you have a car or need gas for your lawnmower? You know what thought, even if you answer those questions,...
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I suppose the follow-up would be how do I make...
You don’t love yourself as much as I’d like you to. I’m gonna recommend a few things. These books have helped me in low times in my life: Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living and Wherever You Go, There You Are. Books by SARK are more targeted at girls but I think guys can get down with them, too. They’re all about celebrating individuality and creativity. I also...
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I am vegetarian but caved and ate turkey today....
You fucking hippie, calm the fuck down. Who gives a shit? If you liked it, keep eating it. If you didn’t, then don’t do it in future. It’s not like you fucked a live turkey. — Sara
If you ate turkey, then obviously it’s not that big of a fucking deal. Just deal with it (in Christina Aguilera voice.) There’s so many things to worry about in the world. I’ve...
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How far can you get through these "Tales" before...
I mean, I don’t want to fuck any of my cousins. I’m just gonna be straight-up about that with you. Just real, real honest. I guess if you’re empty as a human or your life is trashy, cousinfucking makes sense. I think it’s the sign of a low culture and a lack of worth as a human. — Sara
Um, making out the cousin? Well, on the one hand, my natural inclination is to say...
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What is the best way to get guests to leave on...
Pretend to fall asleep on the couch. If you wake up and those motherfuckers are still there, start punching. — Sara
Put something in the oven to book and let it burn real bad, and make it your shit.You could also substitute the burning with the overflowing of the toilet. — Steve, Sara’s brother
To act ridiculously drunk and angry. Don’t make it a welcoming home anymore....
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I love this site your answers are so true and down...
Thanks! — Sara
It’s people like you that make people like me. — Steve, Sara’s brother
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
1 tag
What are your thoughts on the phone sexy time?
I think phone sexytime is great! Or it can be. It can also be awkward. It takes practice. Better than sexting, and less permanent too. Go for it! — Sara
I’d say it’s great, especially when you don’t have to pay for it. And if you do have to pay for it, 1 800 BONER JAM. — Steve, Sara’s brother
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of...
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Do you know about this site VYou? Basically...
I feel like everyone would just whack off, and I don’t want to see that on a webcam. But thank you! — Sara
Honestly, it’s pretty late on Thanksgiving Eve and I’ve been drinking for quite awhile. Are you trying to convince my sister to get on some sort of weird sex chat? We’ll discuss this over Thanksgiving dinner and get back to you, sweetheart. — Steve,...
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I probably should have mentioned that this gay...
First of all, she does care. I don’t know to what extent, but she does. If she says she doesn’t, it’s to make you feel better. She may not obsess over it, and it may not be a big part of her life, but c’mon: that’s just a fucking awkward big elephant in the room. Your feelings for her will prevent you from giving totally honest, solid advice to her if she needs it...
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What do you do when it doesn't get better? P.S....
Well, you’ve got a point. Shit happens, and sometimes a lot of shit happens, all in a row, to one person. It’s not fair, because life isn’t fair, which is fucking annoying. I guess if you make the choice to stick around and stay alive, it’s because you have some seed of hope inside you that believes that eventually, maybe after a LONGASS time, things will improve, and that...
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The Holiday Season isnt for everyone to be happy,...
You can always make up a stock excuse when people ask where you’re going or what you’re doing. Or you can be honest and just say, “I’m not that into this holiday.” If they press you, you can say, “It’s just not my thing.” This may confuse them, but your job is not to explain your life to them. You just need to be happy with your own choice. You...
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Is there anyone else who gets anxiety every...
I think plenty of people feel that way, because nosy relatives are all up in your bidness trying to find out gossip, because their lives are boring and/or they love you. So the pressure’s on. Just breathe through it and remind yourself it’s better to be happy alone than to be miserable just to have a date to Thanksgiving. —Sara
You need to ask yourself: Is it possible that you...
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"Personally, I rock a full bush" Thank You Thank...
Happy Thanksbushgiving!
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
1 tag
Virgin guy at his first year of college. is the...
Study the vagina (or penis, if you prefer,) young man. Read books like “Moregasm” from Babeland and “The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex” from Good Vibrations. You will eventually have the opportunity to engage in experiential or “hands-on” learning, if you will. I’d also advise you to remember that sex isn’t just sticking the penis in an orifice. You...
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Oh my god! My wife and I miss Get in Bed so much!...
Thanks to you both! Well, I’m always doing things over at http://www.sarabenincasa.com/shows and http://sarabenincasa.tumblr.com and http://sarajuliana123.etsy.com aaaaand http://twitter.com/sarajbenincasa aaaaaand http://facebook.com/officialsarabenincasa! Also there is http://www.youtube.com/sarabenincasa. Phew!
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM)...
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Care to offer your thoughts on this whole Four...
Bit embarrassed to say I don’t know what it is.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
1 tag
I hope you have a great Holiday Sara!
Thanks, love!
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
ect925-deactivated20110210 asked: Your etsy cards have made my day! I'll be ordering some soon :)
