December 2010
45 posts
An Open Letter to Tom Cruise
Dear Tom Cruise:
Hello. My name is Sara. I am a comedian and writer. I am also an American.
This seems like a good way to start.
Having recently completed viewing two of your many latter-day hit films, “Knight and Day” and “Minority Report,” I have come to a conclusion about you, or rather your professional contributions.
It is a fact, Tom Cruise, that I will never not...
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Is it wrong to like a good finger poke in the bum...
Totally fine, nothing wrong with it. I hate anything entering my butt, but that’s me. I’m old-fashioned. xo Sara
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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My gov't job is slowly driving me insane, but we...
Good for you, Model Parent. I hope the lowlives (lesser parents) are reading this. You remind me of Bob Cratchit, and he was one good dude. His life also must’ve been tough. Watch the movie “Office Space” and try to incorporate a little of its lessons into your life, without getting fired. — Steve, Sara’s bro @localgoon
I really admire you, and I’m sorry your...
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r u a lesbian
Short haircut? Check. Mistrust of men? Check. Love of Rachel Maddow? Check. Employed as gym teacher? Nah. Sorry, not a lesbian. — Steve, Sara’s bro @localgoon
I’ve eaten box and enjoyed it, but I’m mostly cock-oriented. I’d fuck a lady. I mean, I have fucked a lady. I mean, whatever, I’m 65 to 70% straight. — Sara
I can fix your life, explain your...
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if you start dating a girl, like two dates, but...
No. You went on two dates, bro. That’s no big deal. It’s the beginning of the relationship, and who even knows if it’s gonna go anywhere. I hope you wore a jimmy hat and aren’t still stuck on this ex. Just be respectful, see how things go, and whatever. Good for you. Unless she’s your girlfriend, but why would she be your girlfriend after two dates? Personally, I...
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formspring.me
Ask me and my drunk brother anything http://formspring.me/SaraJBenincasa
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what is/was your favorite 'safe teen' movies - i'm...
Despite the omnipresent whoredeathness of the execrable Lohan, “Mean Girls” is just great. And I quite enjoyed “Can’t Hardly Wait.” It’s delightful. Even though Ethan Embry was like 35 and balding when he did it. — Sara
“Scary Movie is excellent. People forget how awesome it is. Weird Science is a good one.” — Steve, Sara’s bro
...
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The fact that I had to look up fingerblasting to...
Don’t fight the fingerblasting. It’s magical.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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Why do I get weird stares when I voice my...
I agree, young lady. And small-dicked dudes everywhere thank you. The size queen thing is so last century. Good for you for liking a small portion of your favorite snack. — Sara
I would applaud you for sticking to your guns and spreading the word. Chances are, many other women feel the exact same way. However, you may not know this, but you have a small vagina. Vaginas are just as varied in...
“I heard a sigh, as though the books were breathing. I felt that this was where I...”
– Alice Hoffman, The Ice Queen (via kimberlymichelle)
My mom is a librarian. I feel kind of like this in libraries.
Hang out with me tonight! →
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formspring.me
Let me solve all your problems! Ask away at http://formspring.me/SaraJBenincasa
“There is no scent so pleasant to my nostrils as that faint, subtle reek which...”
– Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (via liquidnight)
“Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and...”
– Dr. Gregory House (via hissweetfiancee)
Amazing FREE Storytelling Drunken Blast Tuesday... →
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Tonight I'm suppose to tell my parents about me...
Look, most interesting people have considered suicide at one point or another (ahem.) It takes the truly committed to actually go for it, and the truly lucky to be saved from it. So mazel tov, you got the best of both worlds! I’m glad you’re still here. You’re going to stay here, FYI, until fate or Allah or Darwin’s ghost decide your time is up. And you’re gonna go to...
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I have a job and I hate it and I make no money. I...
You should be looking for other jobs every single day. Make job-hunting your REAL job. The gig that pays you right now is just the gig that pays you right now. Check out Craigslist.org, Idealist.org for nonprofit gigs of all types, and sites specific to the industry you want to work in. Send your resume to a few friends and ask them for edits or comments. Write a basic, generic cover letter that...
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I've had a crush on this girl for a year, and she...
Nobody. You got some free poon, and she got some revenge dick. Everybody wins!
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
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I recently had sex with an interest of mine and...
Oh, I wouldn’t worry one bit. We all drift to odd and unexpected sex fantasies once in awhile. Next time, mix it up with a movie star or your congressional representative of choice.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
1 tag
Given the perceived time acceleration I increasing...
I just wouldn’t use any dairy in the catering. People will be too nervous to eat, and it’ll just go bad.
I can fix your life, explain your future, make sense of Science (TM) and/or Religion, and give fake medical diagnoses!
1 tag
formspring.me
Ask me anything and I shall give you blunt yet loving advice. http://formspring.me/SaraJBenincasa
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Hi Sara. I get paid to write but find that my...
I am with you, sister/brotherfriend. It’s wicked hard to stay motivated to write when the last thing you want to do is be inside your own head. I have discovered that exercising before writing does an odd job of motivating me. And I detest going to the gym, but once I actually exercise I feel fucking awesome. I would suggest this. Also, a healthy dose of ridiculous television and/or movies...
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Saraaaaaa, I love your Etsy stuff ( even though I...
Oh dude, I suck at that stuff! It is just fun. I put the shop on vacation at the moment because I don’t want to befuddle my poor accountant (well, I doubt he’s “poor” in the literal sense, as he’s allegedly rather good with numbers) with further confusion. Also, I’ve got to focus on wrapping Christmas presents! I suppose I’ll open it back up in the future,...
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I need to do an art project for my 20th Century...
Okay. What are the last art tools you can remember loving? Fingerpaint, crayons, markers? Maybe you made macaroni sculptures on paper plates, or totally rocked at Play-doh. I suggest you find those things and start fucking around with them. Thankfully, we live in the postmodern art era, where you can basically take a shit on a piece of canvas and then present it as Art (TM) so long as you can...
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What do you do when you only have two options:...
The primary problem here is your point of view. This is a greater contributor to your unhappiness than even your crap job and your lack of money. I’m not saying your life doesn’t largely suck right now. It very well may largely suck. But it doesn’t completely suck, and you are looking at it from a faulty perspective.
Your choice is not simply to live or die. This presupposes...
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Have you ever been as depressed as some of the...
Oh, I sure have. Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-XzuJikow8
Now, granted, that’s about me going bonkers with agoraphobia, which is on the anxiety disorder spectrum, buuuuuuut I soon sank into a pretty intense depression and became suicidal. So now, many years later, I made this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DvkbtCbWc4 Play Play
I can fix your life, explain your...
julietburgess asked: My buddy is newly engaged and I want to get her something relevant to her life right now, without going all "bridal magazine" on her. Do you have any suggestions?
I Spend A Lot of Time Imagining Perfection
When really I ought to just have a nice breakfast and run the dishwasher. Those things alone are quite fulfilling.
